ARggggghhhh

Somewhat of a arrggghhh week for me.  I do not know what to do here because I am sucking at this losing weight thing.  Not sure why this time around, it's either I haven't committed myself to actually living the program I think.  I am spending a lot of time saying "why can't I?" and "It's not fair that I can't"  sooooo my mind is not positive and my non weight loss is  suffering. 
Answers man I need a lot of them.  First of all I think that I am going to break out the Beck Diet Solution again.  Second I am going to have to figure out a way with my schedule to eat correctly at the right times.  I rush eating at work because I have to.  I have maybe 5 min usually until we all have to get to an activity.  I am passing food and meds before I can even sit down and usually someone needs something.  I am there for them so I kind of cannot say.. "um wait, me first.."  lol Oh but there are days..... nevermind. 
So we have two things to work on this week.  My schedule and my attitude.  Okay make it 3 things. I have not exercised and my attitude towards that is less than positive... Well until next time... wish me luck...

A day day of rain, sun and umm not so much fun

It was actually a fun day despite the world not coming to it's dramatic climax.  I did exercise today so yea me...  I believe I stayed in my points but honestly with the counting being different, it's hard to tell anymore.. The new points system is a little hard for me to get used to. They {WW} changed a lot of their points values per foods.  My 1 pt bread is no longer 1 pt but 2 pt.  It's there sneaky way of eliminating all the foods I love.  But Matt thinks it's marketing.  In other words they change it to make more money off of new cook books, menus and such.  Thus making it hard for you to pass anything down to anyone.  You don't even calculate your own daily target points anymore.  It has to be done by one of their leaders.. Lame.
We ate a lot of fruit so scurvy  is not so much a problem here.  Smoothies made with fruit and apple juice are my new fave.  Gotta love them.. and just think if I added a tiny bit of Vodka it would be fabulous..It would be an Oh So Smoothie....
No bad body image issues today.. I mean I didn't look at myself and say "God I hate you, you fat ugly pig!!!"  so that means that it was a good day.. I suppose I should watch what I say to myself seeing that I do have children, and girl ones at that who might take what I say as gospel.  I mean do I want them acting like this towards their bodies???  NOOOOOO!!!!   I had better hold myself accountable there too..

Play it again Sam

Once again I have joined WW and hopefully I will  have money to keep going.  Day 2 isn't too bad thus far but it's only day 2.  I will try to keep focused on my goal.   Had an issue the other day to were I induced vomiting a few times during the evening and I don't know what it was about.. Probably my anger towards Matt at the time.  I don't know why I was angry with him but I was.  I am still a bit pissy.  I guess sometimes I feel like a loser.. even though I am the one working right now.. I don't know but I am getting a bit resentful about it all.  I know it's not his fault, I guess I know.. But still I miss being home with the kids and not having to work all the time.  I am also worried about my son who seems to be at a stand still.  I cannot get to St Cloud to take him to Social Services to get some kind of aid and he will not come live here for awhile so that I can maybe help him get a job coach.. I guess what I need to do is get on the phone with SS in  MN and talk to them first.. That might be the first step... Going to go to bed now... very tired...

Home feels like a ghost town...

Sitting here wishing now that I wouldn't have come home just yet.  It sucks to come home and everyone wants to sleep and then you feel like you shouldn't even be there.   I was having more fun when there was actually someone to talk to, or just do something other than watch and listen to someone fucking snore.. And if its not that, he is reading or doing some other thing to exclude me from whatever it is he is doing.  Most of the time things are okay but a lot of the time he is ignoring me.  So I just wish sometime that I could just take the money from my savings and just bail to CA without him.. I could do it but he would know where to find me.. so maybe somewhere else would be better.. but where ?  Maybe I am meant to be manless for a while..  Maybe I should just leave.. I already hate my job.. I am pissed in the fact that he is still not working.. and that I have to work.. yeah I know whine whine whine.. but in my defense This ...IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!!!  This is not what I thought it was going to be like.  So here I am in this stupid relationship with someone who reads and plays on the computer instead of talking to me.. I am probably being unfair but fuck it, it's my fucking journal..

Ghost from the past....

May 9th 2011 {While driving down a road to New Richmond WI}
I am thkning of all the things Ive been told in my life.  I was ugly, fat and called the Shaggy Dog. It made me feel unacceptable and worthless to anyone.  Low esteem of self. Who I was ... what I was.  I cry now and have to stop.  I think of all of this bullshit and wonder why?  47 years old and still fucking seeking approval, still seeking acceptance ... 47 and it still hurts to this day..  I slept with countless men looking for love, to be needed.. to be wanted, only to find myself tossed aside over and over again...  When will this fucking bullshit end?  
I see myself sitting naked and alone on the floor with a sign that reads.. "Cow "  This is me.. Fuck them all... 


I read that and think today, a day later mind you, that I do feel that way.  I have felt that way.  I know it's the reason that I have failed to try anything.  I hate feeling ugly.  At 47 I still feel what I felt at 15.  Isolated and freakish.  So not cool.  
I feel like my life is not what I thought .. I have a crappy job, okay not crappy but I have to patience for what I do..lol..  Plus it's my own fault that I am fat and have a low paying job.  I could have stayed on WW, I could have continued to exercise.  I could have gone to school.  So what to do about this?  How to fix what I have done to myself all these wasted  years?  How to make sure that my 4 beautiful daughters don't fall into this revolving door.  I don't want them to hate themselves, to hate their bodies because they not fall into what society thinks is right.. How do I, a woman who has had these issues fix that?  

Today I exercised and watched my eating.  I did not vomit. yea!!!  I did not vomit. 
 

ggrr

Another day another fuck up.  Actually today was okay except I did over do the Chinese a little.  Yesterday sucked ass.  I am constantly trying to just stay within the eating guidelines but not trying hard enough because if I did, I wouldn't have the need to puke it all back.  I am also having trouble getting to the computer to type this when it happens so that I can actually put into words what I am feeling because every fucking time I want to get on here, someone else is on and pissing me off with the attitude that I have to wait my turn.. What the fuck is wrong with that picture??  I pay the fucking bills.. that's what.  And I am in a continuous battle with the girls for computer time.  They think all I do is play fucking Farmville..lol... right.  No sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to work on this or whatever I have to work on the point is that they need to understand something... This is MY computer not theirs and I have the right to be on here not them....  So they go off pouting or yelling or pissing on themselves whatever..  so I am between getting a laptop or a camera.. hmmm maybe a laptop would be better.  There is so much I want to say... so much that I want to let out but it seems that unless I can get some time alone or time as I need it, it's not going to happen.  Someone is always waiting for something.  Someone is always waiting for me to get off so they can get on or waiting for me so that we can do something or sitting right behind me.  See I cannot control anything in this house.  I cannot control my eating or anything so why is it a shock that I cannot control my puking???????

GRRRRR

All I had to do was not eat so much.  It's that simple so why can't I just seem to follow a simple fucking idea?  So basically I just wasted about 8 bucks in food.. no wait.. cheese curds so that would be 13 bucks in food down the toilet..  Not liking that one bit. 

No food is good food

I think yesterday was okay.  I think, I don't know..  I ate according to plan until I got home.  It wasn't too bad though.  The alcohol didn't help much with calories.. fuck the calories..  I don't drink much, I think maybe twice a  year, but this is oh fuck it.. I just wanted to get drunk. I didn't of course because I got dizzy after the first drink..   The point is that I didn't count the calories in the Rum.  Booze shouldn't have calories and I guess if I wanted to be ubber thin I should only drink Rum and not eat anything.. God life is not fair.  I can't do that because then I couldn't function all day or night for that matter not the sleeping takes much functioning.  But then I would become an alcoholic and my kids would write a book, yadda  yadda.. So The Rum Diet is out.  
No puking today thus far ahhhhh but the day is young.  No really I don't plan on it.  I wanted to the other day but I read a book and tapped the furniture instead.  I wanted to eat to take my mind of puking but duh.  Maybe some Rum?

Starting again and again and again......

Okay so here I am again and I have to start WW once more because I just can't seem to quit eating like food is running out.  Okay maybe it's not that bad but getting there..  The good news is that the past two days have been relatively light days.. and I have not puked thus because of that.   However the past couple of months of not being on WW I have  induced puking a few times.. and hated myself many more times..  I don't understand why I can't follow a simple plan.. Sugar is just to dammed good... Today I am a little optimistic about it but who knows what tomorrow will be... Today I have had toast... coffee.... and a banana.. that is a good start. 
Food is so easy.. so why can't I stop eating so much of it?  Why can't I live by that fact that it's only food and it's really only needed for fueling my body?  Oh and speaking of body what is the deal with me not jogging in months?????  I was loving it and then Christmas came and boom... no exercise.  Christmas is bad bad bad.  So are vacations because you do really well with the jogging, eating but go on vacation and the old ways jump on you like a baboon... Yeah July will suck when I go to CA... oh well..   I am going to be 48 in June and still A can't eat like a normal person and B can't decide what the fuck I want to do with my life..  Real mature huh?