I am thkning of all the things Ive been told in my life. I was ugly, fat and called the Shaggy Dog. It made me feel unacceptable and worthless to anyone. Low esteem of self. Who I was ... what I was. I cry now and have to stop. I think of all of this bullshit and wonder why? 47 years old and still fucking seeking approval, still seeking acceptance ... 47 and it still hurts to this day.. I slept with countless men looking for love, to be needed.. to be wanted, only to find myself tossed aside over and over again... When will this fucking bullshit end?
I see myself sitting naked and alone on the floor with a sign that reads.. "Cow " This is me.. Fuck them all...
I read that and think today, a day later mind you, that I do feel that way. I have felt that way. I know it's the reason that I have failed to try anything. I hate feeling ugly. At 47 I still feel what I felt at 15. Isolated and freakish. So not cool.
I feel like my life is not what I thought .. I have a crappy job, okay not crappy but I have to patience for what I do..lol.. Plus it's my own fault that I am fat and have a low paying job. I could have stayed on WW, I could have continued to exercise. I could have gone to school. So what to do about this? How to fix what I have done to myself all these wasted years? How to make sure that my 4 beautiful daughters don't fall into this revolving door. I don't want them to hate themselves, to hate their bodies because they not fall into what society thinks is right.. How do I, a woman who has had these issues fix that?
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